Birthdays! They suck! A day where there is such high expectations of people remembering it. A day where one is somehow always left disappointed. It may be because it was not be the greatest gift you receive or the fact that the one person you wanted to remember, did not, or simply that you find yourself in an argument. Everyday life....just happens.
I would like one person to honestly tell me that they have had a perfect birthday. Just one. If that one person could answer all my probing questions and make me believe that it was not such a drag, then maybe, I would start to believe in a happy day. All I ask is one person to change my view.
You may ask: "Why the cynical view?"
Well....A few weeks ago I had my birthday. My boyfriend wanted to throw me a special get together since I refuse to throw another birthday party. It was meant to be a surprise but in the end, he left it so late that friends started asking if I was doing anything for this birthday. I asked him and he had forgotten to arrange. So an expectation was created. How does one avoid these sneaky expectations from creeping up? The birthday braai was small, low attendance.
Each year I try not telling anyone it's my birthday and each year I fail. Each year I try not having expectations and each year I fail. This year was no different. This year one of our friends was having their engagement party on my birthday. I was fine with it, but not entirely. I had the choice of going or not going, but I was not going to tell Mike not to see his friend. So we went. I joked with them about throwing a party on my day.
Finally the day arrives. I get woken up with a birthday wish and a hug and a kiss. The day started out well. Got to open my presents and then went to run errands. I decided to buy myself a gift as well. I get back home around midday and saw that Mike had done the house chores while I was gone. It was sweet and considerate of him. However, he seemed to be in a mood. This mood persisted and eventually we ended up fighting and going to the party angry with each other.At the party, the couple greeted us, and yet there were no well wishes. I wondered if they even remembered. I sat quietly. The speeches came and went and still nothing. Mike also kept quiet. Eventually, it became too much for me. So instead of spoiling the party for everyone else, I removed myself. I walked some distance away from the gathering and sat with myself. Trying to calm my nerves and emotions, while trying to enjoy the sunset.
That day, I felt alone.I was feeling selfish.
I was embarrassed that I felt like that.
That day, I wanted to crawl deep into my hole.
Once I had calmed down, I went back to the party in a very sombre mood. Not really talking to anyone. I don't know if anyone noticed. All I wanted to do was disappear.
Mike pulled me outside again to talk. Instead of talking we landed up in a screaming match. Eventually, we both calmed down and started to talk rationally expressing our feelings of hurt, insecurities and pain.
We got back to the party afterwards. I sat down on the couch in a dark corner, quietly and on my own.
Out of the blue, the host calls everyone's attention and announces that it was my birthday. I honestly thought they forgot. I feel highly embarrassed. I could feel my face was on fire and again I just wanted to crawl into my hole.
I thought they forgot. I really thought they forgot, but they remembered. They remembered!
I realised that evening that we has human beings, all we ever want out of this life is to be remembered.
My wish for everyone is that they surround themselves with people that will remember them. People that will always be there for you. There are a handful of people in everyone's lives that we can always count on.
Remember them.
They remember you.
