Blogging

Since I started with my new blog (just click on the Scrapping tab above to go check it out), which is all about scrapping, making cards, albums, etc. I feel like I have received a new sense of life. I am bursting with the excitement and the large amount of posts I can/could share. I am limited though, that I cannot share the photos that will be on these spreads on the blog. I will need to protect the innocents from the world wide web. Though that will not stop me...from sharing my ideas.

I'm wondering on how far I should take it...Since I did call the blog Scrapping Collection... I don't know if it would be appropriate to share my soap making experience and the various DIY projects.

Bugger, should have thought of this more properly...Oh well, I guess that means another blog... lol

Anyways, this is a whole new journey. An exciting one at that. Hope to see you all at the other side.

With Love
Ania

Scrapping

I started up a new blog where I will be sharing my scrapping projects. Why don't you come and visit the site at http://scrappingcollection.blogspot.com/

I have also placed the link on this blog, however some of you that are receiving the mail feedbacks just might miss out on the new posts at scrapping collection.

Come and see the cool stuff, I create.

With Love
Ania

Wedding Baggage

Weddings. Like every little girl and little girl within every grown up woman, I have so many dreams of my wedding day, what I want, the smells, the sounds. How the whole occasion will look and feel. My fairy tale wedding is all I have been able to think about since the moment I started liking boys. But over the years I have had to realise that fairy tales don't exist. A prince in shining armour does not come to save you. Yet every time a conversation turns to some weddings or marriages topic, I can't help but wonder when my day will arrive. Each time I think of it, I pull myself right back into reality. That day may never arrive at the rate my relationship seems to move. In the end of the day, I land up disappointed and really upset. This seems to happen each and every time.

I started to wonder why this topic keeps affecting me. Why does it get under my skin so much? Why do I feel so despondent? Sure after 4 years Mike has still not proposed, don't even know if he will. It almost feels like everything he has said just seems like it is not happening. He said after 6 months he would let me know where the relationship will go, and now we are into the seventh month, I still don't know. Over and above all this, I feel that there is more to it than just that.

Currently, I have a UTI and I read that the emotions that are linked to it are anger towards the opposite sex. A lady at my scrapping group also mentioned to me that it may be linked to fear. I started to wonder as to what was I afraid of? I thought it may be the possibility of Mike leaving me, or the fact that he may never propose, to which I will be forced to leave him. I continued to rack my brain. My thoughts lead me towards all my breakups with my ex's.

Break ups. The hardest and possibly one of the most traumatic episodes a person can go through. Mine, well, I love so much that sometimes I feel I'm short of being a dog. I'm loyal to all my partners. I give all of myself to them. I'm honest and I really love them with all my heart. Ryan and I were on and off for 2.5 years. He was my first. I thought there would be no other. I did everything I could for him. I changed for him. Then when we decided to take a break, that week he slept with someone else. When he told me, I was devastated. Yet, as an idiot I took him back and convinced myself that we would get through this and everything would be great again. Well it ended, for good, a couple of weeks later. I was left distraught. I did not know, what to do. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. It took me a year to recover.

Then there was Craig. A German. He was the type of guy I never thought I would fall for. He was not the most attractive guy, and yet I fell for him. We were together for 1.5 years. Almost as long as he was in the country. Towards the end of his contract I was getting scared as to where our relationship was going. I had placed all my dreams on going with him. There was no other choice. The morning of the breakup, we had awesome sex and then, we started talking about the future. We had to make a decision. Mine was to stay with him, naturally, even though in my gut I knew this wasn't going to happen. He came over to my place that evening, and neatly handed over all my things to me in a plastic bag, and said that we were over. Once again I was distraught. All my dreams came crashing down. I suddenly was left with no future. I ate and slept and watched movies for the entire month. I simply existed. After that, for two weekends in a row, I was drunk out of my head. Then I started putting the pieces together again.

I thought I was not angry at men, and as I ran through the thoughts and emotions that are still linked to my history, I realised just how angry I really am. I was able to suppress it for so long to the point of not feeling it, but under it all. I'm really angry. I'm real mad. Who cheats on a loving girlfriend? Who sleeps with the girl and later the same day, breaks up with them? Who finds another person so quickly and then sleeps with them? Who can be so heartless?

So maybe I'm not ready to get married and commit my life to a new person, when I still have so much unfinished baggage. Maybe this whole journey with the physical complications was what I needed just so I could wake up. I know that with time, I would have found my answer and be "cured" by which stage, Mike and I would be ready to be One.

Until next time with more drama and insight
Ania

Sting like a Bee

For many years I have had childhood memories go through my mind, and I have decided to share them. I was encouraged by friends to do it. I then came across a talk show on TV, where the author spoke about writing the things that happened to him during his childhood, and this was enough of a push for me to do it.

My earliest childhood memory was when I was four years old. My family lived in a town-house that had a central pool enclosed in a face brick wall. It had criss-cross corners, which made it any child's dream to conquer the great wall. In front of the pool area was a green open grassy field. This was right out side our unit. We had a garden with a small wall that enclosed it and there was a small gate the lead out into this grassy field. The whole complex felt safe, and I could always go out and play.

I had befriended the neighbourhood boy. He was slightly older and taller than me, so when he ran, I was always left behind. He never did it on purpose and he always tried to include me. He lived in a flat in the same complex. Sometime I would run over and find him so we could play.

We use to explore the surrounding area. One of my favourite memories is the days we ate clover leaves. We would always look for the four leaf one as it would bring us luck. Till this day I am still look for that four leaf clover. I don't eat them any more though.

One day while we were out on our exploration we came across a closed up man hole. We heard some major buzzing noises coming out beneath the cover. We weren't sure what it was. He had the idea of getting some branches that we could stick into the cover. Off we go to find a tree where we could break some branches off. He climbed the tree and threw down the branches towards me. We both grab our branch and trot off to the cover. In those days, the covers had open slots. He gave me one warning. "Run like hell when the buzzing gets loud."

We shoved our branches into the slots and started shoving them up and down. Before we knew, the buzzing started to rise and intensifying in sound. He screamed, "RUN!!!" He started running. We were neck and neck, he was slightly faster and I started losing ground. I was running my heart out. Panic started catching up. I tripped. I fell flat down to the ground, screaming. The bees were on top of me. Stinging me everywhere and anywhere they could land. I closed my eyes. Screaming.

My poor mother heavily pregnant heard my screams and in a panic ran out to get me. In her haste she tripped and fell. Thankfully she and my sister were fine. She was shaken up but had to get to me. When my mommy finally got to me, I was already bearing multiple welts from the stings. She carried my very red poker dotted and sore body back home. She lay me down on the couch and fetched the necessary tools to start the removal process of the stings. One by painfully swollen one, she removed them all.

Since that day I have not poked fun at bees and have had the hugest amount of respect towards them. I was lucky to not to have developed an allergic reaction to them. The greatest thing I took from that day was never listen to boys that do stupid things.

With Love
Ania

A Flicker of Light

The past few weeks since my emotional crash, I have been on a journey of self discovery. It has not been easy and it continues to not be an easy journey. Each day that goes by, raises many more questions. What is my life's purpose? I keep reprimanding myself because I use my head way to much. I keep trying to answer the question by throwing myself into work. Running 3 jobs is not easy. It has not answered any questions over the years. It has only made it a lot harder to find the answer.

I thought that my soul was getting lost until that turning point in my life. Well, the soul never gets lost, it only starts to scream. Through that ranting, I realised that I need to start listening to the heart. To that inner voice. Seeing that I have been trained to think for so many years with my brain, this will be one of the hardest challenges. Still the mind and open the heart. I know that in a very distant past when I did listen to that "gutt feeling", I have never been lead astray. So with patience and love to myself, I will relearn to follow my heart and listen to the inner intuition.

To some people what I am about to say may make me sound lunny. In all honesty, all that matters is what works for me. I have been asking the angels to guide me. I must say, since I started asking for guidance, every night I have been having very vivid dreams. Up until this point, my dreams over the past few years became less and less, almost to the point of non-existence. Since I have started talking with the angels again, I have dreamt every night. I wake up with words in my mind that I would never have thought of in a million years.

I still don't know what is my life's purpose. All I do know is as each day dawns, so does the chance of self discovery. I know in my heart as I find peace in my mind so will my eyes be opened. At the end of the day, it is not about being right but about the experience and lessons we gain at being better than our self. I may say these words, and at the end of the day, after fighting with co-workers and the boyfriend, I am reminded of my humanity and all my faults. These are the challenges that have been given to me in order to try and overcome them in becoming a great being of light.

I came across a saying while writing this blog, and I leave this with you as we part.

"Do not fear going forward slowly, fear only to stand still." Chinese wisdom

With love
Ania

A Simple Life

Yesterday I wrote that I made an important decision that would change my life. Throughout the day I felt so sick that I could not eat even though my body was hungry. My mind could not calm down and my emotions were off the charts. I really did not know what was happening.

Slowly gathering the pieces over the past few days, I realised that this life changing decision was actually the wrong decision for me. Not everyone needs to be supper dupper wealthy. Some people are quite happy living a simple comfortable life. I so happen to be one of those people.

I'm not a quitter, but at the same time, I will not ignore my body when it speaks this loudly. Debbie Shapiro with her book "Your Body Speaks Your Mind" says that there are reasons behind the way our body reacts. I figured out what was mine.

I sent in my cancellation letter and almost immediately I started to feel better. Yes, there are still some left over after effects, but as the day progresses so too do they disappear.

The realisation of me not wanting huge wealth and just wanting a simple comfortable life filled with fun was ground breaking. This may seem so simple to some. I just have to ask, how many of the people out there remember this when they go about their daily lives. How many remember to find the joy in what they do, no matter how simple the task is, like pouring a cup of tea for some it may be coffee. The sound of the soothing water as it pours into the cup, the smell of the tea as it brews. The warmth of the cup as you take it into your hands. How many people out there enjoy the simplicity that life has to offer?

In a way, Sunday did change my life. If I had not taken that step I would still be chasing my tail in the pursuit of happiness, when it has been around me the whole time.

Taking the Step

Yesterday, I may have made the most important decision of my life. A very costly one at that.

I have always tried various ways to acquire wealth but I realised yesterday that I actually need a business coach. The same way a tennis player needs a coach or any other sports man or woman. So I took the plunge.

Currently, at this very moment, I am going through a world of emotions. Doubt. Fear. Disbelief even the feeling of wanting to quit. I know in my mind that that would be the worse decision I could make and would regret it if I did not follow through.

I am concerned of where the money will come from - Do I have enough?

Then I ask is my idea for my business a viable one.

At this very moment, my emotions are wild. My body is hungry and my appetite is gone.

I hope I have made the right decision.

Remember Me

Birthdays! They suck! A day where there is such high expectations of people remembering it. A day where one is somehow always left disappointed. It may be because it was not be the greatest gift you receive or the fact that the one person you wanted to remember, did not, or simply that you find yourself in an argument. Everyday life....just happens.

I would like one person to honestly tell me that they have had a perfect birthday. Just one. If that one person could answer all my probing questions and make me believe that it was not such a drag, then maybe, I would start to believe in a happy day. All I ask is one person to change my view.

You may ask: "Why the cynical view?"

Well....A few weeks ago I had my birthday. My boyfriend wanted to throw me a special get together since I refuse to throw another birthday party. It was meant to be a surprise but in the end, he left it so late that friends started asking if I was doing anything for this birthday. I asked him and he had forgotten to arrange. So an expectation was created. How does one avoid these sneaky expectations from creeping up? The birthday braai was small, low attendance.

Each year I try not telling anyone it's my birthday and each year I fail. Each year I try not having expectations and each year I fail. This year was no different. This year one of our friends was having their engagement party on my birthday. I was fine with it, but not entirely. I had the choice of going or not going, but I was not going to tell Mike not to see his friend. So we went. I joked with them about throwing a party on my day.


Finally the day arrives. I get woken up with a birthday wish and a hug and a kiss. The day started out well. Got to open my presents and then went to run errands. I decided to buy myself a gift as well. I get back home around midday and saw that Mike had done the house chores while I was gone. It was sweet and considerate of him. However, he seemed to be in a mood. This mood persisted and eventually we ended up fighting and going to the party angry with each other.

At the party, the couple greeted us, and yet there were no well wishes. I wondered if they even remembered. I sat quietly. The speeches came and went and still nothing. Mike also kept quiet. Eventually, it became too much for me. So instead of spoiling the party for everyone else, I removed myself. I walked some distance away from the gathering and sat with myself. Trying to calm my nerves and emotions, while trying to enjoy the sunset.

That day, I felt alone.

I was feeling selfish.

I was embarrassed that I felt like that.

That day, I wanted to crawl deep into my hole.



Once I had calmed down, I went back to the party in a very sombre mood. Not really talking to anyone. I don't know if anyone noticed. All I wanted to do was disappear.

Mike pulled me outside again to talk. Instead of talking we landed up in a screaming match. Eventually, we both calmed down and started to talk rationally expressing our feelings of hurt, insecurities and pain.

We got back to the party afterwards. I sat down on the couch in a dark corner, quietly and on my own.

Out of the blue, the host calls everyone's attention and announces that it was my birthday. I honestly thought they forgot. I feel highly embarrassed.  I could feel my face was on fire and again I just wanted to crawl into my hole.

I thought they forgot. I really thought they forgot, but they remembered. They remembered!

I realised that evening that we has human beings, all we ever want out of this life is to be remembered.

My wish for everyone is that they surround themselves with people that will remember them. People that will always be there for you. There are a handful of people in everyone's lives that we can always count on.

Remember them.

They remember you.

The Great Trek

My man and I have been travelling this journey for a while now. Each uphill and downhill, each twist and turn has broken us and rebuilt us. This event in our lives has been no different.

Mike is someone who is very passionate. He continuously thinks of others and always tries to maintain some sort of peace. He is a quiet introvert and a perfectionist, doing everything with a 150 percent heart. For some reason though, he simply cannot seem to get a break.

When I met Mike, he was unemployed. He was trying to start up his own business. There were a few short comings in his attempt, which he did eventually realise. For any individual who wants to start out, you need to have some sort of plan. You need to have some sort of marketing strategy that will help and guide you so you are able to sell your skills more effectively. You need to really know how to sell. Mike realised that well into the journey. The only problem he was faced with towards the end was that he started running low on funds. He knew he needed to find a job.

During that same period we started dating. Knowing how strong headed I am, I placed a lot of pressure on him to sort himself out. He found a job a few months later. The job meant he was a mechanical project manager within the food industry. This is industry is cut throat. Customers are brutal in their demands. They never turn off their machines for any sort of maintenance simply because they need to meet a demand quota. This makes it extremely difficult to install multi million rand machinery. These customers would give the smallest window of opportunity for him to get things done. This included testing time as well. These customers would only allow a shut down for 2 to 3 hours. He had to try and get as much done as humanly possible in that allocated time.

He is also the type of person who likes to keep to himself. This means that he needs to constantly find some sort of balance between himself and the outside world. Taking this type of job was a huge challenge to his character building. He was the juggler trying to keep the customer happy, trying to keep the workshop happy, trying to keep the drawings office happy and finally trying to keep a highly non-social and highly demanding boss happy. His boss created highly unrealistic budgets using outdated prices and never consulting Mike. This was a highly stressful environment for him.



There were a number of reasons why Mike decided to look for a new job. He worked very long hours and did not receive an increase in the last two years. That was not the problem. The frustration came when he saw how the owners seemed to afford new houses and cars but never could afford to pay anyone increases. This kept occurring for the two out of the three years he worked there. However, in hind-sight, it was a VERY good and stable job.

He started searching again for another job two years into this job. It was tough, no one was hiring. Politically speaking no one was hiring a white man with a diploma. It seemed that the experience he had was not enough and rather the piece of paper stating the qualifications he had was more important.

Eventually, through someone he knew, he came across a company within the water industry. Mike has always had a huge interest in going back to water. He worked within this industry for a number of years before deciding to start up his own business. He went for the interview and tried to stay positive after all the rejections prior. He went and got the job. Things were starting to finally look up for us. He had far less stressful hours as a mechanical draughtsman. He finally started to relax at home. Our personal life started to be happier. This was good.

Towards the end of his probation period, his manager decided to work from home and thus become a contractor to the company. One of the other directors took over and started to make Mike's life difficult. It all started to smell very fishy. There is a saying in Polish (translated): "If you don't know what the problem is, the problem is usually around money". Well in this case we believe it was. This director mentioned that he was paid more than his other colleagues in the same position. After that statement, they extended his probation and the Director picked on every drawing Mike produced. They never gave him a chance to abide to their company standard even though it was not industry standard. They had no formal manual to give him that contained those standards that they kept alluding to. They never gave him deadlines. His deadlines were "As soon as possible." For some that can be a month, for others a day. It was so vague.

Mike did not last another month. He was eventually told to leave. It simply was not fair.

We decided that we would fight them on this and took them to the CCMA. If people can find a black side to themselves, this is where it happens. Mike was called a "Gold Digger". He was bullied and dragged through the coals. They threatened him with legal action for an apparent loss of contract due to not handing in a drawing on time. The mediator never intervened. Mike was so shocked and surprised. He was terrified at what these people could do and how much more could they ruin his and my life. In the end he realised it was simply not worth carrying on with this dispute and withdrew the case. He really had a good case, however if the inter mediator would not prevent intimidation, then not even Mike or the cabinet misters would have stood a chance.

I wish this story had a better ending but it does not. I went with Mike to the CCMA for moral support. I was so shocked and angry at how the events had turned around. I was extremely hard on him afterwards. All I wanted was for him to fight them, tooth and nail. I never thought of the consequences.

I now know that I should have been a lot gentler on him, instead. I never thought of him at this specific moment. Days later, I listened to his reasoning and had some time to process the information and I understand why he did what he did. I may not agree with his actions, but life carries on. This journey not only has rocks and boulders to climb over but somewhere in the distance there is bound to be a valley with the most beautiful flowers that would have made all of this worth it.

Wicked Witch of the West

The early morning music of the chirping birds, draws me out of my sleep. I groan and roll over, trying to fall asleep again, just to be pulled right back into reality through the jolt of the blaring alarm clock. I press snooze once, twice, many more times, before deciding that today is the day whereby I'm going to work late. (I work flexitime, so I can.) I turn off the clock and roll back over to sleep. At this moment, I feel that I can sleep the whole day away.

Alas, fifteen minutes pass and my body starts to protest to my decision knowing full well, that I should have been up hours ago. I get out of bed in a fairly "okeyish" mood; a mood that is calm with a hint of a humour.

The rest of the day progresses fairly uneventfully. The big boss is not in the office; always a good thing. The manager is not in the office; also a good thing, though I miss the big fellow. He is always entertaining to be around. He makes it worthwhile to come into the office. Work has always been "work" for me. It has always been the people that have always motivated me, but today's story is not about the office.

It's Friday, and for a Friday I leave fairly late the office and go home. My awesome man opens up the door for me (which is sweet) and we decide to go shopping. It is that boring, uneventful type of shopping....grocery shopping. Firstly, let me state that I'm not a shopper. I know this is a shock! A woman who does not like shopping, but it is true.




Slowly, this pleasant person that I was throughout the day, becomes a fire breathing dragon with the passing of each second at the grocers. The dragon begins to left off puffs of smoke with the continuous sounds that keep coming out of Mike "Oh I don't like this" and "I don't like that". I slowly begin to lose the control over the pressure cooker's lid.




We get home. I put on some music to create an ambient environment. My first mistake, I choose Def Leppard. Their music is anything far from chilled. I should have stuck with something from Lounge. Mike loves the music so much so, that the volume goes up by many notches. Second mistake. A headache starts to persist. I tolerate loud music, but I need to be in the mood for it. Today, is not the day, especially during dinner. We can not talk, and I was not going to shout. Final mistake, Mike tells me that we don't have to talk  each and every time during dinner...um...what if I want to talk...?

All hell breaks loose. I cannot explain why. Its not like I am in control of my body. All I wanted and had in mind was to have a quiet evening relaxing, with the man I love and some chilled music in the background, with maybe even a glass of wine. Instead, the wicked witch of the west comes out. It's in moments like this where I wish I still had my own space. I could drive away and be with myself, instead I place my poor man through my terrible mood swings. I never use to go through this before, or maybe I was never aware of it before. I do feel sorry for him. Each month he has to deal with this terror.

I try and pick fights for things that we should not even fight about. Everything starts to irritate me. I feel like a puppet master had turned on a switch and has taken control of my strings. I feel like the "dancer" and far from the "human". I cannot seem to stop.

The following day arrives, as if nothing ever happened. I feel more in control, and then the realisation of the way I treated Mike, makes me want to crawl back into my hole from where I came from. The guilt is terrible. I know I can't be the only woman out there that goes through this. I have always said that a person cannot blame hormones and one has a choice in everything they do. I know this in my brain, yet the body and mouth do their own thing. There must be a cure out there. I need to find that natural remedy that will help. I must find something! I must! Mike is too dear to me. And so the search begins, I'll simply........"Just Google It"!

Just Google It!

Moving House

A few weeks ago, Mike (not the real name) and I returned back from an overseas trip. We were exhausted and on top of it all I was highly apprehensive as I needed to make a decision about my future. As a woman, I require some form of commitment from my man.

I placed a deadline where he needed to make a decision.  That time had arrived and there was no decision being communicated. (I know this makes me sound like a b***h, but if you knew Mike, you would understand that he needs, how do I say this, a little motivation...)

Mike lost his job last year, and he was not prepared to make any formal commit to me, just yet. He has this idea that if he should ever propose, he should be able to provide for the woman. It's a noble idea, granted. Now that he was unemployed, how could he provide, and as such how could he propose. This left me with the difficult decision of do I stay or do I go? I can tell you that it's not the most pleasant of places to be in, especially since I love the guy.

Our first evening back in town, over dinner, we discussed the difficult situation I found myself in. We had been with each other for three and a half years. I don't want to be one of those girls that books are written about....you know the book of "He's Just not that in to you." by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I don't want to be strung along until he finds someone better.

He surprised me that evening. He asked me to move in with him. I was highly sceptical since the last time he asked me to move in, he backed out just as quickly.

I went silent, probably for the first time in my life. I listened carefully to all that he was saying. He wanted me to move in. He did not want me to move in because I would support him financially. He did not want me to contribute to his bond. He wanted me to move in because it was time to take this relationship to the next level.

I asked politely: "How long will this arrangement be for?"
"Six Months. If we can live with each other for six months then we should be able to live with each other for sixty years."

Being a guy who is not a romantic, I thought this was the closest thing to him being romantic.

He was serious! He does love me! He also wants to give me more! All I have to do is just be patient.

So the next day the move started. I started to bring around six boxes each day from my place. The amount that would fit into my car. The one thing I can honestly say is that I hate moving, as I'm sure many others do as well. All I wanted was for the move to be over and for life to continue, even though it had just started.

Not even a few days in, the stress started to get to me. The reality of what I was doing and the situation I was getting myself into financially, started to seriously dawn on me. As much as he protested, the reality was that I would be the sole provider for the next year (or the last six months of the year....) while he went back to studying and converted his diploma to a degree.

I was moving my entire house, with very little help, on my own and this was starting to seriously put a strain on me, mentally and physically. The fact that we stopped talking. We became distant physically as well. I was trying real hard to move on with life and to make it as painless for him as possible. He was busy processing the speed at which things started to progress, and everything else that was going on in his life.

All of this tension made me collapse. Thank goodness! Yes, thank goodness. It forced us to finally speak. It made us voice our concerns to each other. As we continued to talk, the stress started to ease. Once again we reconnected and felt close to each other again.

After a week and a half, all my things were in the house. Finally! All that remained is the unpacking of the last few boxes.

Throughout this whole experience, which has only been a few weeks into this new year, I can honestly say: "I have a HUGE amount of respect to all couples living together." I have also learnt that communication and compromise (from both sides) are paramount to making any relationship survive.

So here is a toast to communication.

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

It was a beautiful 2012 Palm Sunday morning with a crisp morning breeze. It was the start of winter. I was happy to be waking up next to Mike (I changed the name to protect the identity of the person involved). I'm a 30-something career driven woman. One of my many dreams is to have a loving and happy life with a partner to share in my aspirations.

I bought my first apartment and after two years of waiting for the development to be completed, I was finally moving into my brand spanking newly built apartment. I was excited to to be finally moving out of home, out from under my mother's iron grip. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and would do anything for her. There just comes a point in a woman's life when a she needs to create her own home. In my case, I desperately wanted to spread my wings and find some freedom.

Both me and Mike moved some boxes across to the new apartment and we took some measurements. The smell of new paint and a clean apartment drew my excitement out into the open. My head was spinning with the many future ideas of how to decorate the place. The more I thought and planned, the more I realised that most of my already acquired worldly possessions would not fit into the apartment. The concern started to make me worry about where I would place everything. Jokingly I poked Mike and said: "Maybe I should move in with you, or we should swap houses." Mike lives in a three bedroom home with a beautiful small enough garden with a pool. The ideal starter home!

Much to my surprise he responded: "Maybe you should." This caused me to rethink my current position in life. As much as I have always wanted myself and Mike to live together, the reality of it actually materialising was much to much for me to handle. We both agreed to discuss it some further and that maybe we should not over think the decision but rather live in the moment. The decision was mine however, to make.

Throughout the day, I tried to process the idea and asked some small questions around how the arrangement would work. The more I thought about it the more my excitement grew. I tried desperately to manage the excitement and for it not to take over my emotional well being. I knew Mike well enough not to push him. I tried to limit the amount of time we talked about the decision, fearing that he might have second thoughts about it.

Among the many ideas floating though my mind, one suggestion he made was the possibility of swapping my fridge for his, since it would be a better fit into the tiny apartment, should we not move in together.

Later that evening, a normal ritual for us, I received a phone call from him letting me know that he arrived safely at home. He also informed me the measurements to his fridge. Since we spoke of my moving in with him, I assumed the swapping of fridges was a thing of the past, so it came as a bit of a surprise when he told me the fridges's measurements. Soon after that Mike informs me: "Maybe we should stick to the original plan."
"The original plan?"
"You move into your place. If you need a place to store your things, you can at my place."
"Oh! What happened to us discussing the other idea?"
"I don't feel comfortable about it."
"I thought this was my decision to make."
"I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression."
We agreed to discuss it further another day, but I knew full well, that there was nothing more to discuss. He may think he made the decision, but I knew better. I knew from the very start that it was just too good to be true, and just the dashed hope and the anger of the decision being made for me, made me crumple into tears.

After three years of being with Mike, I hoped that the relationship would finally have progressed. That night, I cried myself to sleep, with the pending question of where exactly were we heading?

The following morning, after a good nights sleep, I made up my mind. I decided to follow my instinct. It had after all never let me down. I would move into my apartment, even though the excitement of it was dampened, I would not be defeated. I would move in with all my things and not take anything from him. I had lived for so long without relying upon anyone and I would continue to do so. I would defy all odds. My heart might be sore, but my spirit was strong.