Emotional Roller Coaster Ride
I bought my first apartment and after two years of waiting for the development to be completed, I was finally moving into my brand spanking newly built apartment. I was excited to to be finally moving out of home, out from under my mother's iron grip. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and would do anything for her. There just comes a point in a woman's life when a she needs to create her own home. In my case, I desperately wanted to spread my wings and find some freedom.
Both me and Mike moved some boxes across to the new apartment and we took some measurements. The smell of new paint and a clean apartment drew my excitement out into the open. My head was spinning with the many future ideas of how to decorate the place. The more I thought and planned, the more I realised that most of my already acquired worldly possessions would not fit into the apartment. The concern started to make me worry about where I would place everything. Jokingly I poked Mike and said: "Maybe I should move in with you, or we should swap houses." Mike lives in a three bedroom home with a beautiful small enough garden with a pool. The ideal starter home!
Much to my surprise he responded: "Maybe you should." This caused me to rethink my current position in life. As much as I have always wanted myself and Mike to live together, the reality of it actually materialising was much to much for me to handle. We both agreed to discuss it some further and that maybe we should not over think the decision but rather live in the moment. The decision was mine however, to make.
Throughout the day, I tried to process the idea and asked some small questions around how the arrangement would work. The more I thought about it the more my excitement grew. I tried desperately to manage the excitement and for it not to take over my emotional well being. I knew Mike well enough not to push him. I tried to limit the amount of time we talked about the decision, fearing that he might have second thoughts about it.
Among the many ideas floating though my mind, one suggestion he made was the possibility of swapping my fridge for his, since it would be a better fit into the tiny apartment, should we not move in together.
Later that evening, a normal ritual for us, I received a phone call from him letting me know that he arrived safely at home. He also informed me the measurements to his fridge. Since we spoke of my moving in with him, I assumed the swapping of fridges was a thing of the past, so it came as a bit of a surprise when he told me the fridges's measurements. Soon after that Mike informs me: "Maybe we should stick to the original plan."
"The original plan?"
"You move into your place. If you need a place to store your things, you can at my place."
"Oh! What happened to us discussing the other idea?"
"I don't feel comfortable about it."
"I thought this was my decision to make."
"I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression."
We agreed to discuss it further another day, but I knew full well, that there was nothing more to discuss. He may think he made the decision, but I knew better. I knew from the very start that it was just too good to be true, and just the dashed hope and the anger of the decision being made for me, made me crumple into tears.
After three years of being with Mike, I hoped that the relationship would finally have progressed. That night, I cried myself to sleep, with the pending question of where exactly were we heading?
The following morning, after a good nights sleep, I made up my mind. I decided to follow my instinct. It had after all never let me down. I would move into my apartment, even though the excitement of it was dampened, I would not be defeated. I would move in with all my things and not take anything from him. I had lived for so long without relying upon anyone and I would continue to do so. I would defy all odds. My heart might be sore, but my spirit was strong.
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