Weddings. Like every little girl and little girl within every grown up woman, I have so many dreams of my wedding day, what I want, the smells, the sounds. How the whole occasion will look and feel. My fairy tale wedding is all I have been able to think about since the moment I started liking boys. But over the years I have had to realise that fairy tales don't exist. A prince in shining armour does not come to save you. Yet every time a conversation turns to some weddings or marriages topic, I can't help but wonder when my day will arrive. Each time I think of it, I pull myself right back into reality. That day may never arrive at the rate my relationship seems to move. In the end of the day, I land up disappointed and really upset. This seems to happen each and every time.
I started to wonder why this topic keeps affecting me. Why does it get under my skin so much? Why do I feel so despondent? Sure after 4 years Mike has still not proposed, don't even know if he will. It almost feels like everything he has said just seems like it is not happening. He said after 6 months he would let me know where the relationship will go, and now we are into the seventh month, I still don't know. Over and above all this, I feel that there is more to it than just that.
Currently, I have a UTI and I read that the emotions that are linked to it are anger towards the opposite sex. A lady at my scrapping group also mentioned to me that it may be linked to fear. I started to wonder as to what was I afraid of? I thought it may be the possibility of Mike leaving me, or the fact that he may never propose, to which I will be forced to leave him. I continued to rack my brain. My thoughts lead me towards all my breakups with my ex's.
Break ups. The hardest and possibly one of the most traumatic episodes a person can go through. Mine, well, I love so much that sometimes I feel I'm short of being a dog. I'm loyal to all my partners. I give all of myself to them. I'm honest and I really love them with all my heart. Ryan and I were on and off for 2.5 years. He was my first. I thought there would be no other. I did everything I could for him. I changed for him. Then when we decided to take a break, that week he slept with someone else. When he told me, I was devastated. Yet, as an idiot I took him back and convinced myself that we would get through this and everything would be great again. Well it ended, for good, a couple of weeks later. I was left distraught. I did not know, what to do. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. It took me a year to recover.
Then there was Craig. A German. He was the type of guy I never thought I would fall for. He was not the most attractive guy, and yet I fell for him. We were together for 1.5 years. Almost as long as he was in the country. Towards the end of his contract I was getting scared as to where our relationship was going. I had placed all my dreams on going with him. There was no other choice. The morning of the breakup, we had awesome sex and then, we started talking about the future. We had to make a decision. Mine was to stay with him, naturally, even though in my gut I knew this wasn't going to happen. He came over to my place that evening, and neatly handed over all my things to me in a plastic bag, and said that we were over. Once again I was distraught. All my dreams came crashing down. I suddenly was left with no future. I ate and slept and watched movies for the entire month. I simply existed. After that, for two weekends in a row, I was drunk out of my head. Then I started putting the pieces together again.
I thought I was not angry at men, and as I ran through the thoughts and emotions that are still linked to my history, I realised just how angry I really am. I was able to suppress it for so long to the point of not feeling it, but under it all. I'm really angry. I'm real mad. Who cheats on a loving girlfriend? Who sleeps with the girl and later the same day, breaks up with them? Who finds another person so quickly and then sleeps with them? Who can be so heartless?
So maybe I'm not ready to get married and commit my life to a new person, when I still have so much unfinished baggage. Maybe this whole journey with the physical complications was what I needed just so I could wake up. I know that with time, I would have found my answer and be "cured" by which stage, Mike and I would be ready to be One.
Until next time with more drama and insight
Ania
