Blogging

Since I started with my new blog (just click on the Scrapping tab above to go check it out), which is all about scrapping, making cards, albums, etc. I feel like I have received a new sense of life. I am bursting with the excitement and the large amount of posts I can/could share. I am limited though, that I cannot share the photos that will be on these spreads on the blog. I will need to protect the innocents from the world wide web. Though that will not stop me...from sharing my ideas.

I'm wondering on how far I should take it...Since I did call the blog Scrapping Collection... I don't know if it would be appropriate to share my soap making experience and the various DIY projects.

Bugger, should have thought of this more properly...Oh well, I guess that means another blog... lol

Anyways, this is a whole new journey. An exciting one at that. Hope to see you all at the other side.

With Love
Ania

Scrapping

I started up a new blog where I will be sharing my scrapping projects. Why don't you come and visit the site at http://scrappingcollection.blogspot.com/

I have also placed the link on this blog, however some of you that are receiving the mail feedbacks just might miss out on the new posts at scrapping collection.

Come and see the cool stuff, I create.

With Love
Ania

Wedding Baggage

Weddings. Like every little girl and little girl within every grown up woman, I have so many dreams of my wedding day, what I want, the smells, the sounds. How the whole occasion will look and feel. My fairy tale wedding is all I have been able to think about since the moment I started liking boys. But over the years I have had to realise that fairy tales don't exist. A prince in shining armour does not come to save you. Yet every time a conversation turns to some weddings or marriages topic, I can't help but wonder when my day will arrive. Each time I think of it, I pull myself right back into reality. That day may never arrive at the rate my relationship seems to move. In the end of the day, I land up disappointed and really upset. This seems to happen each and every time.

I started to wonder why this topic keeps affecting me. Why does it get under my skin so much? Why do I feel so despondent? Sure after 4 years Mike has still not proposed, don't even know if he will. It almost feels like everything he has said just seems like it is not happening. He said after 6 months he would let me know where the relationship will go, and now we are into the seventh month, I still don't know. Over and above all this, I feel that there is more to it than just that.

Currently, I have a UTI and I read that the emotions that are linked to it are anger towards the opposite sex. A lady at my scrapping group also mentioned to me that it may be linked to fear. I started to wonder as to what was I afraid of? I thought it may be the possibility of Mike leaving me, or the fact that he may never propose, to which I will be forced to leave him. I continued to rack my brain. My thoughts lead me towards all my breakups with my ex's.

Break ups. The hardest and possibly one of the most traumatic episodes a person can go through. Mine, well, I love so much that sometimes I feel I'm short of being a dog. I'm loyal to all my partners. I give all of myself to them. I'm honest and I really love them with all my heart. Ryan and I were on and off for 2.5 years. He was my first. I thought there would be no other. I did everything I could for him. I changed for him. Then when we decided to take a break, that week he slept with someone else. When he told me, I was devastated. Yet, as an idiot I took him back and convinced myself that we would get through this and everything would be great again. Well it ended, for good, a couple of weeks later. I was left distraught. I did not know, what to do. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. It took me a year to recover.

Then there was Craig. A German. He was the type of guy I never thought I would fall for. He was not the most attractive guy, and yet I fell for him. We were together for 1.5 years. Almost as long as he was in the country. Towards the end of his contract I was getting scared as to where our relationship was going. I had placed all my dreams on going with him. There was no other choice. The morning of the breakup, we had awesome sex and then, we started talking about the future. We had to make a decision. Mine was to stay with him, naturally, even though in my gut I knew this wasn't going to happen. He came over to my place that evening, and neatly handed over all my things to me in a plastic bag, and said that we were over. Once again I was distraught. All my dreams came crashing down. I suddenly was left with no future. I ate and slept and watched movies for the entire month. I simply existed. After that, for two weekends in a row, I was drunk out of my head. Then I started putting the pieces together again.

I thought I was not angry at men, and as I ran through the thoughts and emotions that are still linked to my history, I realised just how angry I really am. I was able to suppress it for so long to the point of not feeling it, but under it all. I'm really angry. I'm real mad. Who cheats on a loving girlfriend? Who sleeps with the girl and later the same day, breaks up with them? Who finds another person so quickly and then sleeps with them? Who can be so heartless?

So maybe I'm not ready to get married and commit my life to a new person, when I still have so much unfinished baggage. Maybe this whole journey with the physical complications was what I needed just so I could wake up. I know that with time, I would have found my answer and be "cured" by which stage, Mike and I would be ready to be One.

Until next time with more drama and insight
Ania

Sting like a Bee

For many years I have had childhood memories go through my mind, and I have decided to share them. I was encouraged by friends to do it. I then came across a talk show on TV, where the author spoke about writing the things that happened to him during his childhood, and this was enough of a push for me to do it.

My earliest childhood memory was when I was four years old. My family lived in a town-house that had a central pool enclosed in a face brick wall. It had criss-cross corners, which made it any child's dream to conquer the great wall. In front of the pool area was a green open grassy field. This was right out side our unit. We had a garden with a small wall that enclosed it and there was a small gate the lead out into this grassy field. The whole complex felt safe, and I could always go out and play.

I had befriended the neighbourhood boy. He was slightly older and taller than me, so when he ran, I was always left behind. He never did it on purpose and he always tried to include me. He lived in a flat in the same complex. Sometime I would run over and find him so we could play.

We use to explore the surrounding area. One of my favourite memories is the days we ate clover leaves. We would always look for the four leaf one as it would bring us luck. Till this day I am still look for that four leaf clover. I don't eat them any more though.

One day while we were out on our exploration we came across a closed up man hole. We heard some major buzzing noises coming out beneath the cover. We weren't sure what it was. He had the idea of getting some branches that we could stick into the cover. Off we go to find a tree where we could break some branches off. He climbed the tree and threw down the branches towards me. We both grab our branch and trot off to the cover. In those days, the covers had open slots. He gave me one warning. "Run like hell when the buzzing gets loud."

We shoved our branches into the slots and started shoving them up and down. Before we knew, the buzzing started to rise and intensifying in sound. He screamed, "RUN!!!" He started running. We were neck and neck, he was slightly faster and I started losing ground. I was running my heart out. Panic started catching up. I tripped. I fell flat down to the ground, screaming. The bees were on top of me. Stinging me everywhere and anywhere they could land. I closed my eyes. Screaming.

My poor mother heavily pregnant heard my screams and in a panic ran out to get me. In her haste she tripped and fell. Thankfully she and my sister were fine. She was shaken up but had to get to me. When my mommy finally got to me, I was already bearing multiple welts from the stings. She carried my very red poker dotted and sore body back home. She lay me down on the couch and fetched the necessary tools to start the removal process of the stings. One by painfully swollen one, she removed them all.

Since that day I have not poked fun at bees and have had the hugest amount of respect towards them. I was lucky to not to have developed an allergic reaction to them. The greatest thing I took from that day was never listen to boys that do stupid things.

With Love
Ania

A Flicker of Light

The past few weeks since my emotional crash, I have been on a journey of self discovery. It has not been easy and it continues to not be an easy journey. Each day that goes by, raises many more questions. What is my life's purpose? I keep reprimanding myself because I use my head way to much. I keep trying to answer the question by throwing myself into work. Running 3 jobs is not easy. It has not answered any questions over the years. It has only made it a lot harder to find the answer.

I thought that my soul was getting lost until that turning point in my life. Well, the soul never gets lost, it only starts to scream. Through that ranting, I realised that I need to start listening to the heart. To that inner voice. Seeing that I have been trained to think for so many years with my brain, this will be one of the hardest challenges. Still the mind and open the heart. I know that in a very distant past when I did listen to that "gutt feeling", I have never been lead astray. So with patience and love to myself, I will relearn to follow my heart and listen to the inner intuition.

To some people what I am about to say may make me sound lunny. In all honesty, all that matters is what works for me. I have been asking the angels to guide me. I must say, since I started asking for guidance, every night I have been having very vivid dreams. Up until this point, my dreams over the past few years became less and less, almost to the point of non-existence. Since I have started talking with the angels again, I have dreamt every night. I wake up with words in my mind that I would never have thought of in a million years.

I still don't know what is my life's purpose. All I do know is as each day dawns, so does the chance of self discovery. I know in my heart as I find peace in my mind so will my eyes be opened. At the end of the day, it is not about being right but about the experience and lessons we gain at being better than our self. I may say these words, and at the end of the day, after fighting with co-workers and the boyfriend, I am reminded of my humanity and all my faults. These are the challenges that have been given to me in order to try and overcome them in becoming a great being of light.

I came across a saying while writing this blog, and I leave this with you as we part.

"Do not fear going forward slowly, fear only to stand still." Chinese wisdom

With love
Ania

A Simple Life

Yesterday I wrote that I made an important decision that would change my life. Throughout the day I felt so sick that I could not eat even though my body was hungry. My mind could not calm down and my emotions were off the charts. I really did not know what was happening.

Slowly gathering the pieces over the past few days, I realised that this life changing decision was actually the wrong decision for me. Not everyone needs to be supper dupper wealthy. Some people are quite happy living a simple comfortable life. I so happen to be one of those people.

I'm not a quitter, but at the same time, I will not ignore my body when it speaks this loudly. Debbie Shapiro with her book "Your Body Speaks Your Mind" says that there are reasons behind the way our body reacts. I figured out what was mine.

I sent in my cancellation letter and almost immediately I started to feel better. Yes, there are still some left over after effects, but as the day progresses so too do they disappear.

The realisation of me not wanting huge wealth and just wanting a simple comfortable life filled with fun was ground breaking. This may seem so simple to some. I just have to ask, how many of the people out there remember this when they go about their daily lives. How many remember to find the joy in what they do, no matter how simple the task is, like pouring a cup of tea for some it may be coffee. The sound of the soothing water as it pours into the cup, the smell of the tea as it brews. The warmth of the cup as you take it into your hands. How many people out there enjoy the simplicity that life has to offer?

In a way, Sunday did change my life. If I had not taken that step I would still be chasing my tail in the pursuit of happiness, when it has been around me the whole time.

Taking the Step

Yesterday, I may have made the most important decision of my life. A very costly one at that.

I have always tried various ways to acquire wealth but I realised yesterday that I actually need a business coach. The same way a tennis player needs a coach or any other sports man or woman. So I took the plunge.

Currently, at this very moment, I am going through a world of emotions. Doubt. Fear. Disbelief even the feeling of wanting to quit. I know in my mind that that would be the worse decision I could make and would regret it if I did not follow through.

I am concerned of where the money will come from - Do I have enough?

Then I ask is my idea for my business a viable one.

At this very moment, my emotions are wild. My body is hungry and my appetite is gone.

I hope I have made the right decision.